Words Are Powerful
The saying goes, “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me”, however they do. Words are powerful and they are thought-provoking, both negatively and positively, especially when having crucial conversations. So how do we clearly communicate our perspective, hear and acknowledge the other’s perspective, and maintain respect when having crucial conversations? And what are crucial conversations? According to the authors of Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking when Stakes are High, “crucial conversation” is defined as “a discussion between two or more people where the stakes are high, opinions vary, and emotions run strong.” Here I will explore my three concepts to consider for crucial conversations: putting emotions into words, listening & asking questions, and vulnerability leading to respect.
Putting emotions into words can be a challenge because emotions fuel us in so many different ways. They empower us, numb us, overwhelm us, and confuse us. It is important to slow down and understand the emotions that are being experienced before we move them into words. A good approach to this is by using I-statements such as, “I feel frustrated when....”. I- statements give you the control of what you feel and avoid attacking words, for example, “you made me feel ...” or “you think...”. You-statements put individuals on the defensive and shut down the productivity of the conversation. It can be difficult to not take statements personally especially when talking about subjects that are emotionally charged. Focusing on primary emotions and avoiding attacking words can allow for helpful movement in a conversation.
Active listening means giving your full attention to the conversation. A big component of this is nonverbal communication, eye contact, facial expressions, nodding, body posture, etc. Being fully present in a conversation means asking open-ended questions and clarification questions to assist in your understanding. Asking questions is investing in another’s perspective. This increases your insight on the topic. It doesn’t mean you have to agree. It allows you to hear what the other is communicating so you can process the information. That is what you want as well, right?
What is vulnerability? Brené Brown defines it as “uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure”. Vulnerability can be the biggest barrier for communication when having crucial conversations. Whether it is with a spouse, friend, or boss, taking the risk to be vulnerable is intimidating because it is then outside of our control how they will respond. Encouraging statements can help support vulnerability in a conversation such as “I value...” or “Thank you for...” It allows for summarization in your conversation which holds you accountable for maintaining focus and allows the other individual to feel heard even when perspective is different, and that sounds like respect.
Often we avoid crucial conversations or we regret having them because they ended poorly with guilt regarding words said. I imagine just within the last few months many individuals have been in a conversation that got heated or where perspectives didn’t align. That is okay. We are not clones, so our thoughts, emotions, and responses are different. Slowing down to focus on accurate emotions, active listening, and respecting each other should give us all confidence to have more uncomfortable and crucial conversations in all aspects of our lives.
Caitlin Hart LCPC, NCC
Brené Brown- https://brenebrown.com/
Kerry Patterson, Joeshy Grenny, Ron McMillian, Al Switzler - Crucial Conversations